strange.truth

Umm Maryum

2009-02-21T23:54:00.000-08:00

I have marvelled before at the way Allah swt places people in our lives. And at night, in the private of your room, in the comfort and warmth of your bed you think of these such people and sometimes you smile, and sometimes you weep, but always is the realisation of an unrepayable debt. The people who have given you so much and you have so little to offer them in return – there is just not enough in you to balance those scales.

I remember prior to my marriage I would meet up with Umm Maryum (back before I could call her that) at a regular sisters day. We would sit for the lesson, one of us inevitably late, finding a spot together or making room, concentrating. And afterwards would talk, of family, of life, of work. Maybe there was food – always a falafel/chicken sandwich from Al-Manara – or sometimes just hijab shopping. Sometimes we’d catch up during the week, those days I made it to Monday/Thursday nights at the masjid after work. Sometimes we chat on the phone. I don’t know if much was ever really said. A lot of listening was done. And that bond developed. The one you don’t see happening, only realising its creation after the fact. The type of bond that allows you to say very little but still reach an understanding. The friend you can sit in silence with and not feel the need to fill the air with meaningless chatter. And, as always, with time things change. I remember the first week I was married, she would visit me every evening and stay while my while XH worked night shift. Teaching me to cook – salted chicken as I recall was the first dish – which was awesome the time she made it, and destroyed with the addition of an entire container of salt the time I tried to do it alone.

I remember the day she called me to tell me her mother was ill. That it didn’t look good. I was off from uni. It was mid-afternoon, ‘asr had not yet entered. The sun was starting to seep though the kitchen window. I was cooking. I don’t know what. Probably chicken. And the mobile rang. I remember running across the house to answer it. I remember getting back to the kitchen and staring at the chicken without appetite as she told me. I didn’t know what to say. I felt entirely useless. The same girl who had listened me when things were upside down was having her world thrown around and I had nothing to say. I remember getting off the phone. Leaning on the counter. Turning off the stove and sitting on the floor. I remember crying. But I still had nothing to say. No appropriate words of comfort. I was not balancing the scales.

And even still, after all that, these such people are still there for you. When the rest of the world forgets of your existence they call. Make contact somehow. And you remember how much you miss them. Good friends. True friends. And you wish you had something to give in return but as always you are short-handed.

And so this is the outlet for expressing your gratitude for everything they have given you, every minute, every second, every world of comfort, and every word of advice, every breath, every morsel of food, everything. So to this sister I say: may Allah swt grant you the greatest of rewards, I love you with all of my heart and I ask Allah swt to provide you with nothing but good in this life and the hereafter. I ask Him swt to lift your burdens, lighten your load, and guide those that you love to His Way. I ask that He swt grant you true happiness and well-being. Amin.

Options

2009-02-21T23:53:00.000-08:00

We all have plans. We arrange our lives to facilitate meeting the objectives of those plans. We strike out on the path, we alter the trajectory as we travel to correct for bad judgement and poor foresight. We think with the benefit of hindsight that we’ll do it differently this time, the path stuck to, the objectives met. Everything, is meticulously planned, every step analysed, every decision poured over, every precaution taken to preserve, to ensure, that the objective is achieved. And we continue and find that we’ve taken it all for granted. The path has been changed. Rapidly sliding off course. Repair mechanisms fail. Something is awry. And then one wakes up. And finds that the objectives are no longer achievable. No amount of correction can alter the path, recreate the trajectory. But with time, if one has good fortune, new objectives are discovered, new paths set out on. And the one thing that is never learnt from hindsight is that no measure of planning, analysis, or preservation will prove effectual in the face of reality. But for those of a lesser fortune, they wake up and find that there is nothing. No new objectives. No paths to create or resurrect. No trajectory to busy oneself with. What then? Oh there are plenty of options. In fact, this soul could choose any direction, any path, any objective. But if they want none? Where is the appeal? How envious this position.

It is said that the upside of losing everything is that you find yourself. But what is there is nothing there? The nature of the human being is that he is the sum of his needs, wants and desires. Needs, well you can’t argue with that, we all need to eat. But wants and desires? What if nothing remains? What if upon losing all those things you think you wanted leads you to the realisation that not only do you have absolutely no idea what it is you want but that in reality you are not sure if you even want anything at all? And worse still, if this situation persists.

It is clear. The upside of being happy is that you work to maintain it. The upside of sadness is that you work to remove it. The upside of anger is that you work to direct it. The upside of tranquillity is that you work to find it. But the upside of nothingness is nothing – so how should one work?

Oh there are always vague notions of wanting to better oneself, serve humanity, work for food... But that should one choose to do when faced with a lack of objectives. Do you choose the most interesting item from a list of things that you know will captivate you for mere seconds before the realization that that is no force driving you to protect the trajectory of this project? Do you stab blindly in the dark or pull something out of a hat? Do you ask around hoping someone else will lend you their objectives? How is it that one makes a decision that affects the living and breathing of the everyday when one has no direction?

something

2008-11-29T12:03:00.001-08:00

Amirah

2008-11-22T13:28:00.000-08:00

I am seriously beginning to question my sanity. At present I am sitting up in bed in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep because I’m terribly heartbroken over the loss of my cat. Amirah. She left me almost exactly a year ago. I sent her off to live with a nice family because I was coming overseas. Then three months turned in to a year.

I miss her a lot. I was cuddling my hot water bottle (winter is blowing a cool crisp gale through the slit in my window) and it reminded me of how she would curl her furry little body next to my belly for warmth at night after nosing her way under the blankets. And then , once sufficiently warmed, she would unfurl. Purring. Needing my stomach to push me onto the cold side as she lolled happily in the body heat I’d left behind. I miss her. But she’s living with a wonderful family. She has a friend (Rage). Her very own bathstool so she can play in the water. She’s outdoors. No doubt harassing the birds she could never get at though the flywire. Climbing trees. Digging up the gardens of unsuspecting neighbours. Stealing Rage’s food and battling for his share of the attention. She was a wonderful, beautiful, amazing little girl.

My God I am possibly certifiably insane! I have an excuse (many actually should you care to listen)... I’m hitting the one year wall. 2 weeks, 3 months, 6 months...the one year wall. Been here before. Not enjoying it this time round either. Funny I’m not in the slightest bothered about XH, just Amirah. I always said I cried more at the loss of my cats than XH. Funny that – guess there just wasn’t much to cry over in the end.

Playing the “nothing affects me” role at the moment – brave faces and all – quite convincingly if I may say so myself. Now I just have to work out what to do with my life.

The one year wall...

Ya Allah, take me to Palestine.

Pathways

2008-11-13T06:43:00.000-08:00

The path to contentment is something that I have been pondering over for quite some time.

The last year has seen some large (and not so large) changes in my life and at times it has been so entirely overwhelming. I’ve found myself exhibiting an attitude of ungratefulness and it has disgusted me in my moments of clarity and reflection. I often felt that I was losing grip on the fundamentals, and as the “why?” reared its ugly and damaging head I was weak enough to take that path, but all it conspires to do is drag you lower than you have ever been before. Maybe it is only from the depths that people can really reassess things. But with every new change, new challenge, there are two paths, and the hole only gets deeper if you allow yourself to fall.

Upon hitting the bottom you realise two things:

Your own stupidity/recklessness/disregard/heedlessness has bought you to this place
Allah swt wants you to be there

And it is in two that you realise had you only been conscious of it sooner you would not have had to arrive at the place you are via one. However, Allah swt has placed us in the situations we are in because He knows, in his infinite wisdom, that it is the best thing for us.

You may feel like you’re drifting; your marriage has failed or has been slamming itself on the rocks for months, maybe years; you didn’t get the marks you wanted at uni – you didn’t even get in to uni; the guy you’ve been seeing who was meant to come propose never arrived on the doorstep – forget that you can’t even find a decent bloke; you can’t get pregnant and the inlaws are circling; you don’t know what to do with your life – and everything you want to do is out of the question; the sister you thought had your back stabbed it etc. Indeed it is our very human limitations, our bounded rationality, that prevents us from seeing beyond the pain of the moment and causes us to make decisions that only lengthen the fall. There is something in everything to learn from.

Patience – the favourite words of Shaykhs from all corners – is often maligned as “fake” advice. But it is only after weathering a storm made worse by none other than yourself, do you realise the virtue in patience. Patience is the only thing that breeds contentment. If you can be patient with your circumstance, accept what it is you have been dealt and play the cards with taqwa, only then will you find the burden easier to bear. And I’m not talking about the type of taqwa that requires the donning of a niqab and berating all and sundry about their kuffur-ways, I’m talking about the purest form of submission – the acknowledgement of Allah swt as the Soverign, the One, the Most Wise and Most Merciful, the Knower of All.

I once heard an incredibly wise man say that Allah swt tests us for two reasons:

We’ve strayed in some way and he wants us to remind us, to provide us with the opportunity to return to the path of righteousness and make amends
He is providing us a unique opportunity to provide for the Hereafter – a chance to raise our rank

Such opportunities can only be realised from a position of submission – it is only when we truly accept that Allah swt is the One, the All-Powerful in every manner conceivable, that we will be able to see our struggles for what they are – the opportunity to find contentment.

2008-11-01T23:27:00.000-07:00

There is something very wrong with a world in which intelligent and educated women believe that they must be subservient and tolerant of blatant disrespect in order to keep their husbands happy and their marriages stable. Tonight’s dinner table conversation was initiated by a question posed to me by one of two flatmates taking a marriage course (neither of whom are married or have ever been married and for one this is like the 8th course undertaken on this topic – and no it is not about "the fiqh of"). It was a question of whether a husband telling his wife “Don’t interrupt me!” (with attitude) because he was “busy” with “something” and “not interested in her at that moment” would be considered rude.

Well, in a word, yes. The husband needs to have some sense knocked into him. Its not rude – its just downright disrespectful. But this is apparently OK. However, apparently it is NOT ok for the wife to say the same thing to her husband, but it IS a perfectly acceptable way to speak to a child: her words not mine. Sickening. I wonder if a few words of disrespect, a couple of smack downs later and some black eyes and or lost teeth would change these women’s perspective on disrespect – somehow I doubt it. How could you venture into bed with such a pig?

I don’t really care all to much if women hold the view themselves (as long as they don’t want to access state services when it all goes pear-shaped), but to promote it to impressionable and vulnerable individuals is not on. I am living in a very sick community. Actually I don’t think you can call it a community. It is a bubble. A bubble in which a select few people’s words are worth more than a milligram of common sense and where “outsiders” are being “ridden by shaytan”. Yet we are all brethren in Islam. Subhan’allah.

I’m not in the best of moods tonight – the self-righteous and condescending arguments coupled with complete inanity and stupidity with a touch of judgementalism thrown in for good measure have me wanting to kick something (productive I know). Sometimes I think that my sisters in Islam have nothing more interesting to speak about than marriage and to be honest it bores the shit out of me. If there is a gathering of more than two sisters inevitably it comes up, needs to be discussed, hashed and rehashed – you’d think world peace had been declared years ago and that it was the most pressing issue of our time. AAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

***

Anyway. There’s a film festival starting tomorrow so insha’allah I hope to attend some of it – at least interact with some people that are not bubble-bound if nothing else. Why does thins place bring out the worst in me? Why do I feel so gross about me living here? Why can’t I just get the hell out - oh wait I know the answer to that one – the dollar has tanked and I can’t afford it lol!

***

Ya Allah protect me from myself.

Contentment

2008-10-17T12:58:00.000-07:00

I have mentioned to several different people over the last few weeks that don’t think I can return to teaching. Not because I don’t love it – I do, more than anything I can envision myself doing. But because it is unsustainable. I love my students. I love watching them learn new skills, master new content, get excited by concepts, I love having the role of potential catalyst, expanding their thoughts, opening their minds to a bigger world than many of them (many of whom have not even been outside of their own suburbs) have imagined. It is a love. A passion. Walking to tajweed class I pass by a school. Its a high school. My time of passing coincides with the change of a period. The familiar sounds of students rushing out of class – not of course in the desire to be early to the next – the calling and shouting to friends who may not be seen till lunch time, the horse voice of the teacher who calls out to remind of homework and assignments and for the room to “please be left neat and tidy” only for their calls to remain unheard, unheeded. It all brings me to a point of nostalgia. I crave to be in the classroom again – almost as much as I wish never to be enclosed by its walls again.

People keep telling me to find work in a “better” school. A school where students care. Where learning is valued, desired, realised. Where there is parental and administrative support. Where there isn’t a huge budget shortfall. Where resources are available and people are willing. It almost sounds heavenly...But where is the challenge. Where is the assistance to my own community that is so lost despite its rich heritage, that it can only be likened to a clumsy child groping in the dark for its mother after waking to realise her absence? Could I stand in front of such a class and feel that I am doing my part for my sisters in Islam who appear doomed to walk the well-trodden and oft-resented path of generations of women in their families before them? Sisters who are leaving themselves no buffer-zone, no protection. Relying on those who are not at all interested in them except for their own gain for a cursory time. But how can I drag myself to a place of no respect, of soul-destroying revelation, of pain on a daily basis? To face the anguish that invariably accompanies my witnessing of the state of our community at close quarters, having one’s heart ripped apart by it and then being denied a voice in an attempt at its correction?

***

As I walk to tajweed I come to the top of a large hill. All the way up it I am surrounded by construction, old and new. Towering apartment blocks that mirror one another in their hideousness. But at the top the heart lifts. A wide expanse which flows all the way to the northern horizon and onto another country. The rugged, barren landscape of a once fertile country, dotted with the odd small home and a plethora of minerets peeking from the white dust everywhere one looks. But amazingly, a small residence – for it cannot be called a house – sits just metres from me on the undeveloped side of the hill. It is made from odd cement blocks piled upon one another to act as walls. Off-cut timber straddles them, covered with branches (some still with green leaves) as well as tattered rugs and carpet as a roof. Within metres a donkey grazes quietly, and from a corner of the residence there is movement. Three laughing, smiling children – playing what looks like tip and falling over one another with the giggles. It is amazing the nature of the human character. It seems happiest with nothing.

And so I am wondering if that is my problem. There are too many choices. Too many things. Always perceiving there to be something better out there – always searching for it... Contentment. I wonder if it will be possible to find it in the classroom, in my old life, within the ancient and rundown university halls I love so much and long to return to. I find contentment in learning and sharing that knowledge and yet I cannot bring myself to return to the classroom. Yet I know somehow that I will, and that scares me.

***

Someone once told me that you don’t choose to teach it chooses you. And once it has you it won’t release you – not in tact anyway. Part of me remains with my students, some of which began sitting their final school exams today, and I worry about them. From thousands of miles away I wish I could hear their take on the papers, their preparation, last minute questions and cramming. Most of all I wish I could protect my little sisters from the big bad world they are running towards faster than they know.

***

Ya Allah, grant all students of knowledge in every corner of the world tawfiq in their studies. Guide them to a way that is best for them and make it easy upon them. Ya Allah guide my family and loved ones and grant them hidayah, and Ya Allah protect me from myself. Set my heart at rest and guide me to what is best for me in this life, in this din and in the akhirah. Only you Ya Allah are the Possessor of All Knowledge, the Bestower of all Bounties and the Merciful, Forgiver.

that place

2008-10-11T11:59:00.000-07:00

Everyone has a place, a point in time that they wish they could return to. Some for experience, some to change things, say something different, do something different, and some just wish to exist in it for the peace it brings.

I was so close to that place last night that the anxiety and longing for it has been squeezing my heart all day. I sat face to face with the person who exists in that place with me. We said nothing. Just sat. And as I was leaving they told me to wait for them. “Wait for me” they whispered as I walked out. Not to take them with me there and then for that was all but impossible. But to wait. Outside. Elsewhere. Perhaps forever. To wait for them.
It was a meeting filled with unanswered questions. Questions that I will probably never find answers to. Of course I could do my best to hunt them down. But life has changed now and that place only exists in a memory of so many years ago.

The exhilaration of wearing my hijab properly for the first time. My first ever Eid prayer. The rush back to college. Getting to class late and shocking the pants of almost everyone in the room. Including my companion. They cried. May Allah swt bless them. Rejected from class by a less than impressed lecturer, we wandered over to the park. They, carrying my Eid present – a rather large box of Lebanese pastries. Me sitting in the grass, eating them. Being watched. Free conversation. Useless conversation. Words forgotten as quickly as they were pronounced. Office workers rushing by, late to start the day. Birds chirping in the trees above, all but drowned out by the incessant roar of peak hour traffic. And us. It was a bubble. Just us. I can feel the damp of the grass soaking through my jeans and laughing when I rise finding my backside is a nice wet splodge. Forgetting the damp and lying down together and watching the sky. Commenting on the clouds. Laughing at our lecturer. Silence on my transformation.

I wonder if they remember it as I do. How I wish to know how they are. What they are doing. How life has changed. Share the years that we’ve missed. Be. It was all so easy.

But all this is just a far off dream. If it weren’t for last night, maybe I could sleep. Dreams are indeed a powerful thing.

No one is promised tomorrow.

2008-09-30T12:47:00.000-07:00

Life moves so quickly, passing one by without allowing room for breath. And when one does inhale again one finds that all that was known has all but disappeared in the folds of time. Another Ramadan has passed me by, and this one was an oppertunity wasted. Another year has passed, and I find my self reading my words, still feeling those very sentiments (well excluding the first few posts on this blog).

Much has occurred since my last post, but at the same time nothing has changed. By the grace of Allah swt I have been able to return overseas to continue my studies (I went home for the Southern Winter), but I am not enjoying it. The place I am in fills me with loathing and brings the very worst in me to the surface. I cannot wait to move onto the next place - but then I'll still be taking myself with me. I wish I could find a way to disassociate myself from me, but I can't work out just who I am. I still feel lost. Waiting. Wanting. Longing for things that are not mine to be had. When I think of these things my heart fills with sadness. I recognise someone lost, but know of know way to find that direction. Its not a religion thing. Its a "who am I" thing. Who am I? What defines me? What do I want? I see nothing. I am not individual. There is nothing that makes me "different" from anyone else. There is no definition. I feel formless but bound by something I can't see - can only feel. Am I speaking of the ruh? Do I lack the skill and intelligence to figure this out. I've been thinking on it for many months now. If you ask me who I am - I'll tell you I don't know.

Today was Eid. Subhan'allah it was truely a day of blessings. Al-hamdoulillah I made it to the masjid for the prayer and afterwards, everyone (I mean everyone - native, foreigner, guest and resident) hugged, kissed, spread the eid greetings and truely wished well for each other for the sake of Allah swt. There were about 60women in that masjid, and every single one waited to greet everyone else. No one ran away. No one seperated into their little cliques - as happens at home. It was something I may never experience again and I loved it. Islam.
Myself and the other single sisters had a delicious pancake breakfast afterwards which was followed by sleep. But upon waking I felt dull. Empty. Like there was something missing. Me?

I don't know how to communicate what it is.

XH has remarried (actually it was a couple of months ago now). Al-hamdoulillah that makes me happy and I truely hope from the bottom of my heart that it works out for him. I often wonder if I will remarry. How I would be able to trust someone. Find someone who could stand up to being all I needed them to be. I don't have a strict criteria - there are many things that don't even cross my mind. But what I do want is hard to find. And to be honest, I don't know if I really want it. There have been oppertunities, but I pass them all up. They are not the answer. Its not my time. Subhan'allah. Where am I and how do I navigate away from this loss of everything I am or thought I was? Why am I taking so long to find a path?

Oh how time only brings us nearer to our ultimate destiny - and how ignorant we are of that end. Subhan'allah.

***

No one is promised tomorrow.

***

Ya Allah, assist me in finding myself, understanding myself and healing myself. Guide me to peace and wellbeing. Provide for my family and those I love the blessing of hidayah. Draw all the muslimeen to the sirat almustaqeen and guide us to mercy between ourselves. Ya Allah assist me in overcoming myself, my shortcomings and my diseases. Assist me to a realisation that will ease the burden I am carrying. Provide me with clarity and strengthen me. Draw me near to that which pleases you and keep me far from that which causes you displeasure. Provide me with the immense fortune of seeing another Ramadan. Ya Allah allow me to truely believe and honestly life the face that no one is promised tomorrow.

~Amin

Calm before the storm

2008-06-09T05:14:00.000-07:00

I wrote my last entry long ago (three months in fact) and never got around to posting it up. But now I’ve done so – enjoy.

Three months on from that and the stick house is still in ruins, al-hamdoulillah. My mother has moved house and spares no opportunity to tell me how much she wants me to come home – the only problem is that we can’t really be in close proximity for very long before all hell breaks loose. Subhan’allah. I’m wanting so badly to go home, but dreading it all the same. Kheir insha’allah.

I’ve been dreaming lately… of XH. It’s strange, in all the dreams we’re trying to work things out – it’s like having a conversation with someone in another dimension. I usually wake up feeling anxious and strung out subhan’allah – like I don’t want to go back there but I’m forcing myself into it. I don’t know, maybe I’m going a little nutty lol.

Still no boat. To be honest I don’t even know what I’m waiting for, wanting for anymore.

There is so much I want to say, need to say but no words with which to say it… I wish I could write like I used to.

The Fall…

2008-06-09T05:11:00.000-07:00

You can build a house out of sticks, but when the wind blows…

It’s been a little while (ok quite some time) since I felt the need to post here (actually I’d decided that I may fall into the trap of wallowing in self-pity, and to be honest I just didn’t have the time for all that).

So I’m still overseas. My little 3-month soujourn has been extended by another three, and I’d go on adding but unfortunately the funds have dried up. Insha’allah one day I’ll be in a position to return. I’ve thought about XH and the last three years quite a bit while I’ve been here, yet I can’t say that I’ve come to any satisfactory resolutions. I don’t think things like “Oh I wish it could all be different blah blah blah…”, it’s more a kind of nostalgia for the good times, the nice memories. While my heart still seems to incline towards him with good feelings, I know that returning (indeed it is impossible anyway) would not only be detrimental to my physical, emotional and spiritual well-being (well what’s left of it anyway), but it would also require me to sacrifice far to much of myself – no person is worth sacrificing all that is one’s self for.

So on one hand I long to be married and start a little family (which incidentally had been the plan for this year, although Allah swt is the best of planners Al-hamdoulillah) I know that there would be far to many suitcases piled up in the corner of the bedroom to make it an intelligent path to pursue right now. So I’m at, what I will call, a “lull”. Where one is meant to find peace, security and tranquility from the blessing that is reflection. But for me, reflection is just bringing the dregs up to the surface, and I’m finding it unproductive. There was one a time where I prayed for all this time to think, reflect, but now I have it I’m finding that there is not to much to reflect on. I still don’t like the person I have become, and am having difficulty fixing those things I know need to be worked on. So I’m a muddle.

While other than this the last 6-months have been oddly quiet, the last week saw the destruction of the shack I’d been constructing out of sticks. My mother told me 4 days ago that my Dad has left. Now there is a history here, so let’s not all jump on the “all-men-are-bastards” bandwagon. While I’ve kind of known for many years that things may not continue the way they have always been, I don’t think I seriously (really seriously, like with my heart) considered that it would actually happen. While I know that it *may* be the best situation for them, I can’t help but think that it’s possibly not the brightest thing to do given the stage of life they are both at, and the current conditions around the world. I know, I know, a world economic crisis is not the best reason to stay married, but it sure as hell makes more sense to consolidate assets rather than divide them at this point. So begins the tedious and painful discussions about who will live where. Kheir insha’allah. I’m finding things a little hard to come to terms with (in case you can’t tell), but then I am ½ way around the world.

So, in short, my perfectly assembled stick house on the sand has crumbled and I no longer have somewhere safe to sit and watch and wait for my little boat to come in. I know I should speak to someone (professional) about how I’m feeling – if for no other reason than so that I don’t take my luggage with me if I ever get married again myself – but it’s hard to find someone (not to marry, to talk to).

Princess Peelies

2007-12-01T13:42:00.000-08:00

From this day forth, I shall be known as Princess Peelies *loud accompanying fanfare*.

***

I am so itchy it’s unbelieveable (well it would be if I didn’t do this to myself at least once every year). Subhan’allah. At east the worst of the burning pain has subsided, Al-hamdoulillah.

***

I find myself sighing a lot these days. Two weeks of school left. Two weeks and four days until I’m on my plane. Two weeks and five days until I’m Elsewhere. People keep asking if I’m excited. Truth be told I’m not – not yet. It’s too far away to be excited, but to close not to have on the mind. I think it’ll be real when I walk out the school gates in two weeks – knowing that I still haven’t saved enough… Al-hamdoulillah my reading is coming along ok – I need to do a fair bit more before I go though. Kheir insha’allah.

***

Visited the X-Inlaws today – respect and all. Told them I’m off (insha’allah). It was ok, KJ and her Mum were there the whole time which made it easier – no one could get teary eyed and get all emotional. X-MIL had a brief “chat” with me about how she misses me/wishes things were different etc etc – I don’t know how to say that although I’m not “happy”, I’m “happier” – if only because I’m no longer living on a knife’s edge. She kept telling me how hard XH was taking things (umm, like hello, it was ultimately his decision). Al-hamdoulillah, I’m glad I was raised the way I was – I think I have greater resilience, I cope better. Maybe because I don’t bottle it up and hang onto it for years. X-FIL said nothing (probably because KJ’s Mum was present – thank Allah swt for that). Either way, I really hope Allah swt provides him with happiness – wherever it lies.

I’m glad I’ve got the visiting out of the way, I know it sounds bad, but it just drags me ten steps backwards – not in how I feel for XH, but how I feel about me, my choices, my life.

***

Went to Wollongong this afternoon. I love the bushland. Did some visiting and masha’allah met some beautiful people. Got a tonne of work to do, insha’allah tomorrow.

***

Ya Allah grant me hidayah. Ya Allah grant my family hidayah. Ya Allah increase my imaan and taqwa. Ya Allah forgive me.

Indeed Allah swt Sends What We Need

2007-11-25T03:04:00.001-08:00

25/11

Al-hamdoulillah I'm back from my holiday - it was really nice. My brother informed me that I have lost my "moon-tan" and am now "lobster" (men are so creative) --> it really really hurts :(

***

Now, no lovely event can be complete without its own drama... So my holiday drama:

I was driving back from [where I was] and I noticed I had half a tank of petrol - I thought "no need to fill up, it took less than half a tank to get here". Pleased with myself I resolved that I would fill up on Tuesday. Anyway, so 2.5 hours into the drive and two disasterous wrong-turns later, I am on the final stretch of freeway (only about an hour and twenty till I reach home), and my fuel light comes on. I immediately went into a mild state of panic - I know (from experience) that there is no petrol station between where I am and the end of the freeway (about 40mins away). So I put my little go-machine in 6th and stopped accelerating as much (hoping to roll along), and then I notice that the little light has gotten about 75% brighter and I really need to do something or else I'm pretty screwed. Pass [freeway exit A], no servo. Pass [freeway exit B], no servo. Get to [freeway exit C] and see a little blue sign for a servo. So I swing off the highway and motor down this winding little road - for about ten minutes - then I arrive at the servo... its CLOSED! I couldn't believe it, I picked up the phone to call Dad to ask him where the nearest one could possibly be (Daddy knows a lot of things Al-hamdoulillah) - only to realise that I can make EMERGENCY CALLS ONLY! I almost cried.

So I decided that if I tried to get back to the freeway and hold on to [the start of civilisation] that I'd probably end up stuck on the side of the road with no one to save me and it would be getting dark - not a good idea. So I decided to continue down the little windy road I was on, hoping that there would be another damn servo, preferably one that was open.

So anyway, I was about a kilometre on from the closed servo and I realise that there probably won't be another servo. I saw a bloke mowing his lawn and decided to pull over to ask him where one might be. He told me that there wasn't one, that the closest was [town D on outskirts of civilisation]- about 20-25km. I almost cried again. I guess he took pity on me, because after I mentioned that the petrol light had been on for the last half hour and was desperate, the next thing he said was "I have about three litres for the mower, you could take that if you like" - AL-HAMDOULILLAH YA RABB! I almost cried (again) lol. Anyway, I offered to pay him for it, he said no - which made me feel really bad, I was wondering what good I had done which had made Allah swt decide to save me from my own stupidity. So I eventually made it to [town D on outskirts of civilisation] where I filled up, and now I'm home. Al-hamdoulillah.

It's amazing, when "the divorce" occurred one of my friends said to me "Allah swt sends us the people we need when we need them" - I have never been so sure of that in my life.

***

Al-hamdoulillah, I filled in my application for accomodation for my journey - kher insha'allah.

***

Ya Allah, grant the man with the mower the greatest of rewards - al-hidayah. Ya Allah have mercy on me, protect me, and guide my family to Islam. Ya Allah make me one of your righteous slaves and purify my heart.
Amin.

Living for Dunya and Painful Reminders

2007-11-25T02:59:00.000-08:00

24/11

Subhan’allah. If I am living for the dunya, Allah swt has truly given me a small insight into my situation in the hereafter. I feel as if I am being flayed alive! Everything is burning, hot, sharp, stinging pain… I’m sunburned – again! Subhan’allah, every year I do this to myself, even though I say I won’t. Maybe I forget the pain – its not as bad as last year though, al-hamdoulillah. I’m trying to dunk myself in cream in a hopeless bid to ward off the peelies, I know it won’t work… Haven’t been swimming yet, the water is like ice – and a little dirty after the rain we had yesterday afternoon and last night. A couple of groups of “schoolies” have arrived – we have a group of girls in the house on one side, and a group of boys on the other… Not much sleep tonight methinks.

***

I was sitting on the balcony having dinner this evening when I saw a dark shadow in the waves about 2 metres off the shore. The next thing I knew, there was a dolphin jumping into the air and riding the waves almost all the way to the sand, masha’allah it was so beautiful.

***

Kevin07: its pretty much official. Tomorrow I’ll wake up and we’ll have a new PM. Definitely time for a change (or at least the disappearance of JH) but not to sure about the Ruddster. I just wasn’t feeling their foreign policy announcements pre-election campaign – especially their stance on the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict (conflict is such a mild term). I must say, voting absentee is the way to go – no queues, no waiting, just “here’s your paper, off you go”.

***

Practiced my Arabic today, God knows I need to – its pathetic really, in 4/5 years I haven’t even mastered basic reading. Kheir insha’allah now I have no choice – better get a wriggle on since there’s only three weeks till I’m off.

Oh yeah, I’m going overseas *yay*! Really need to get organised insha’allah.

***

May Allah swt heal my pain, grant my family hidayah and make my trip a productive one for His swt sake.

(Hmm, sleeping early tonight, I think the burn has sapped my energy - I'm shifting from burning sensations to goosebumps and the chills...not good)

A Life I Knew

2007-11-25T02:50:00.000-08:00

23/11

Today has marked the end of many things, and as with most endings is bitter-sweet. Al-hamdoulillah.

I sat my last exam today – on the proviso that I have passed both my exams for this semester, I am officially done with uni (for now)…

I have been longing for this moment for so long, to see the back of my studies, to move onto the next phase of my life. But I realize that those things I so desperately wanted to move onto are further away than I can imagine.

***

I’m on holiday (well for the weekend anyway) and there is a canvas on my bedroom wall. There is a fisherman, standing with his back to my eye, casting his line out into a cold, dark sea under the gray heavens. He stands, csting his line, all that appears is a small boat on the horizon and his blurred reflection at his feet in shades of gray. But he stands, staring out at the unknown, waiting, hoping. Dawn or dusk I can’t tell. Is it a beginning or an ending – or neither, just a transitory moment in time, like all others to be lost, to have never existed, except in memory.

***

I am the fisherman. What I was hoping for is now way out on the horizon, unattainable – or so it seems. Too far to swim to, to far to reel in. At my feet I am blurred, there lies the shadow of myself that I want to shed, to rid myself of the darkness, the disease it contains. I cast my line; I want so desperately to move towards my boat out on the horizon. I wait. And wait. Maybe the tide will bring it into shore, maybe my line will tug and I’ll find myself dragging up what I always wanted from the bottom of the sea – or maybe it will be an illusion. My overactive imagination willing me to read something into nothing. With the cold undertow dragging at my ankles, I wander if I really know how to swim. What if it takes me, drags me away, down, under… What if? Will I be able to hold on? To keep my head up? To swim against the current and onto something? Anything? Happiness? Does it exist? Or is it only a fleeting joy of this world to make the pain it holds more vehement? To remind that this is the test, the trial, and that my boat does not contain all that I thought that it would, but something else. Will I be content?

***

I wish I had answers. I feel a great relief with the end of my studies, but also an emptiness. I have plans, I have things I want to go onto, those that are near and those I cannot see. But there is a gap, a hole – what to fill it with I don’t know. I feel that the busyness is missing – that which was my distraction over the last few months is gone and I’m left to confront myself. You can’t act to yourself, its unfortunate. Maybe that is the pitfall of my profession – everyday, everything is an act. It becomes a reality of sorts. Dangerous.

***

Subhan’allah. The one ayat that has been hammered in my head for the last week (no joke, I love its sound, the rhythm, the way it rolls) has been this:

Bal tu’thiroonal-hayatad-dunya.

Nay, you prefer the life of this world.

Subhan’allah.

Ya Allah swt protect me from myself. I am living for the wrong things, I am asking for the wrong things. My heart knows it and it hurts, breaks with every breath. Have mercy on me, guide me, protect me, forgive me. Cleanse my heart ya Rabb and fill it only with desire for the akhirah, love for the Prophet saaws, and devotion to Your word. Amin.

Obsessions

2007-10-28T01:45:00.000-07:00

Ahh Yes. It is that time of the week – I know I’m having issues with consistency. Actually, not that I really think about it, I’m not. I’m totally consistent at being inconsistent! Al-hamduolillah.

~ New Job ~

Ok so by now it is not so new. I’ve laboured through 2 weeks… 2 WEEKS! Subhan’allah the last one felt like a lifetime! As I mentioned in my last post, the girls were beautiful in the first week… What quite happened over the last weekend I’m not sure, but someone certainly kidnapped all my sweet-sweet girls!

I make light of it, but seriously, the last week has had me contemplating quitting – not just the job, the profession. I know that kids are kids are kids, but I don’t want to slave to a day job where I am sworn at and persistently run-down, where I can’t sleep because I’m so stressed about how I’ll “handle” tomorrow. Kheir insha’allah. At the moment, I’ll be back at the coalface tomorrow. But I have a new plan in the make. Actually I have two – one is part of the unmentionable. The other involves me heading back to uni next year, I’m thinking a masters in commerce or management (not that after my recent experiences there is anyone I couldn’t handle – at least in the sane world anyway). Anything to keep me from the profession.

~ Facebook ~

This little instrument of procrastination really is the tool of shaytan! I have so much to do, but keep getting sucked back to some conversation or what-not. Apparently my old HS reunion is on soon. Sounds like fun (not). It’s not that I’m anti-social, just that I wasn’t a very nice person back in the day, and I really don’t want to be reminded of it. That and I’m assuming it’ll be at a pub/club – sooo not interested (severe case of BTDT).

~ Latent Obsessions ~

Hmmm, yeah. So umm, yeah. Lets just say that there are a few. Doesn’t everyone have something? One is related to meat. I have a meat obsession. I wonder how long it will last. I might indulge it tomorrow actually – I need some excitement in my life. The other one is old… So old – we’ll label it IB more for convienience than anything else.

Actually IB has been on my mind for ages now – I’m wondering if I should hunt for it or let it be…. I know naseeb is naseeb, but I don’t want to be fatalist about it. Maybe when I get back from the unmentionable… I miss you IB. Always have. How sad – no really, how sad.

~ Proposal ~

I had a proposal of sorts this week. Apparently I’m so “hot” I can stop traffic. Literally. A students’ brother “spotted” me exiting my place of work and decided that he would just have to “ask” – had his sister come find me at lunch-time. I'm sure he's a lovely brother, but somehow I don’t think I’m ready to crawl back onto the sinking-ship that is marriage – not anytime soon at least… Unless… In with the old (obsessions that is – not XH)!

~ Out-Laws ~

Well, I still haven’t been to visit. I drove past their place today (on the way to the shops), I was intending on stopping, but something told me to drive on. I’m feeling quite bad actually. Kheir insha’allah.

***

Not much really going on – struggling to keep from drowning in all the “work” I have to do. Another exam this week. My last assessment for uni is due to. *sigh*

Such is life. Al-hamdoulillah. Just keeping it together.

***

May Allah swt make this life easy for all the struggling sisters out there, and grant the families of all reverts/converts hidayah. Amin.

To remain ignorant of history is to remain always a child.

2007-10-18T02:33:00.000-07:00

I’m a week late – or so it feels, I was going to post last Friday, but my preparation for work got the better of me. Ergo it’s a long one. Grab a tea/coffee, some biscuits and a cushion - although I must warn you, it is somewhat mundane.

~ Storm (in a teacup) ~

It was late on the 28^th of Ramadan, the night was strangely quiet and scarily dark – the moon invisible behind the clouds. I was praying my evening prayers and the wind began to gust. Howling through the open windows, rattling the blinds and throwing them into the walls. I was home alone and it was dark (my nod towards energy conservation – primarily to rescue myself from a huge bill, but also an attempt to be (at least a little) “green”) – too dark (did I mention I have a fairly irrational fear of the dark?).

Anyway, I was in ruku and as I straightened there was the most brilliant flash of lightening immediately followed by the most deafening clap and rumble of thunder. As it rolled across the sky, the fear that gripped my heart was amazing – Subhan’allah. I completed my prayer and the storm raged on, the wind howled on and the blinds continued to create a racket. Behind me my bedroom door slowly creaked open. I envisioned the arrival of Malik-e-maut, poised, ready and waiting. I gave salam with my heart in my throat, and turned around to find…Amirah (my cat) sitting innocently in the doorway, looking somewhat bewildered yet totally pleased with herself (I realised later that the smug look was because she had turned the kitchen upside down).

The storm fled as quickly as it arrived, the lightening and thunder continued moving away towards the coast but the howling wind remained. I was left with the fear of The Day of Judgment in the front of my mind – conveniently on the evening I was completing Juz ‘Amma...

***

~ Moonsighting ~

The 29^th of Ramadan – off to the park for moonsighting. I was so excited. My first year of following the actual sunnah of the Rasul (saaws) (i.e. rather than the politically driven calculations masquerading as the sunnah). I was so excited at the beginning of the month, hoping to sight the moon, but alas we did not see it and Shab’an was 30 days. This was different though, the calculations told us that the probability we would sight was high, but the clouds remained. All day it had alternated, clear skies and sunshine – dark, rainless clouds and gusting winds. I was disappointed, so desperately was I hoping that the whole community would have Eid on the same day (the “calculations masquerading as sunnah” groups had declared alternately for Friday – a minority, there was no possibility of Friday for us – or Saturday, this was entirely possible).

Arriving just before Maghrib at the park I was heartened to see so many Muslim brothers and sisters waiting for the appearance of the moon despite the ominous looking clouds and the biting, blustering southerly. We broke fast, prayed and waited, gazing at the sky – it was cold, more than cold, freezing.

There was nothing to be seen, and on we waited. The cloud was high, only a small patch of the sky was cloud free. The word came through that further up the coast the moon had been sighted… Eid was to be Saturday. But I wanted to see it myself. Five minutes later the shout went up, the crescent could be seen. Scanning the sky I found it, emerging slowly, a faint wedge, from below a bank of cloud. As the sky darkened further, the small sliver became more visible, brightening as the sky darkened all around. Subhan’allah it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed - the feeling was indescribable.

Afterwards I drifted off to a friends place to plan for prayer and gobble some ice cream with ice magic – its been a while, but it was soo good! Just need to call Cottees to find out if the “real” Ice Magic is halal. Insha’allah ya Rabb.

***

~ Eid Mubarak (I think) ~

I woke early on the morning of Eid, washed and dressed (wore my Eid present from my flat mate – a very nice brooch for my hijab). I grabbed a bottle of water and the box of dates, just so I didn’t forget to eat before the prayer. I even remembered my prayer mat! Subhan’allah I was so quick and organised I was 25mins early, ready and waiting outside my friends place to pick her up!

The prayer was packed out as per usual. I sat with my X-SIL and mini-KJ, my little niece (ok on a technicality she’s my ex-niece, but she’s still mine). She looked so cute masha’allah in her little abaya and khimar. As she nibbled her snacks, she offered me exactly the same as what she ate. For each cookie she ate, I had to eat one, for every chip, Sao and nut, I was also "forced" to eat as she continued to pass them off in my direction.

After the prayer I went to my parents (no they are not Muslim, May Allah swt grant them Hidayah), I made lunch for everyone and gave presents. A couple of hours later I left and made my way to uni to pick up some books before completing the circle and arriving back home again.

I was feeling pretty down. Eid was empty. It was the “I-can’t-believe-that-I’m-spending-this-day-alone” syndrome. I know, I wasn't alone, but it felt that way, the "muslimness" was missing.

Al-hamdoulillah I got off my bum and went for a run. 4.2km! I was impressed with myself – I haven’t run for ages. Al-hamdoulillah I needed the endorphine high – it was just a little embarrassing running in “the area” – people don’t see hijabis moving at a speed faster than a crawl very often around here and my trackies and jumper are just a little to tight for comfort.

***

~ Exer-size ~

So yes. I have returned to my old ways – when there is a crisis, I exercise. I am trying to keep it up – my legs were fairly damaged for a bit. Insha’allah I’ll be running again tomorrow – weather-permitting of course ;) I love the feeling, the movement, the coordination and stretching of the limbs, the shortness of breath, the burn in the chest as the cool air is sucked down to feed the pumping muscles. Yes, I need to move - at least I can drop off the accumulating mail for XH with X-SIL while I'm at it... Al-hamdoulillah.

***

~ Independent Thought and Reason ~

That is the fundamental quality that marks humanity from the rest of the creation of Allah swt (ok, excepting the Jinn). Amazing considering the manifest and dangerous stupidity of a large proportion of the human race. Yes its election time again - may I please bury my head in the sand for a month or two?

Anyway, so I have begun my new job… I’m actually quite enjoying it – some of my fears proved unfounded, others, well they are stories for another time. Al-hamdoulillah all the girls are excited to be back at school – no I’m not deluded, its not for the learning its for the socialization – so they are being relatively cooperative this week… Let’s see what happens… I’ve started a health kick too, it is going quite well – aided by the regimentation of the school day – just need to get my bum into gear for cooking dinner (need to get some iron). Actually, now that I consider it honestly, the last few days have been particularly bad - I have glutted myself with chocolate, Weiss bars and other "disapproved" items. *sigh* I guess I can allow it based on the timing... But after next week I'll have to do better.

***

And In Other News...

As you can guess, I didn't go see the X-Inlaws for Eid. I know I said I would (although I did say Insha'allah - so it's all ok). Honestly, I think it would just drag me backwards. I need to move past it, on with it, through it. I don't need to be reminded that I was "a beautiful DIL and that I am missed terribly and that the sky is falling in in my absence" (ok ok so I might be sprucing it up a little). But honestly, what purpose does it serve - I need to move on, they need to move on, and XH has definitely moved on. So, it would only be another pointless and detrimental exercise. Kheir insha'allah. I did not want to fill this blog with talk of XH, so (for my sanity) here it ends.

Moving on...I’m slowly crawling towards the end goal for this year – I’ve alluded to it before, and as yet it is not time for its unveiling. So the waiting-game is in play. Maybe soon, maybe soon.

***

May Allah swt bless all the Muslims. May He swt make it easy for them to uphold the iman, taqwa and ibadah that they achieved throughout the blessed month of Ramadan. May Allah swt guide the families of all reverts to the beauty and sweetness of Islam and set their hearts at ease. May Allah swt help the ummah to build on the unity experienced at Eid and to accept each other for His swt sake. May Allah swt strengthen me in my reliance on Him, increase my love for the Prophet Muhammed saaws, make the Qur’an the spring of my heart and light of my chest. May He swt protect me from the evil He has ordained, heal my wounds and protect my heart, guide me to the straight path and make all that is good for me in this dunya, the deen and the akhirah easy for me.

May Allah grant us all tawfiq.

~ Amin ~

Dream Haze

2007-10-05T15:35:00.000-07:00

I was intending to post today, a mini-update if you will. Some wonderful things have begun to happen for me, some decisions I have made have shown their results and Insha'allah it will only be of benefit to me.

***

May Allah swt lead me to what is good for me in this dunya (temporary life), my deen (religion) and the akhirah (eternal afterlife).

***

However, after little sleep (I knew the coffee was a bad idea last night) and one of the strangest (and oddly enough most terrifying) dreams I have had in a long time I don't really know what to say. It has stuck with me. You are probably going to think "oh that's nothing", but it felt like one of those dreams you should take note of. Like when something serious happens that you don't quite understand but you know it is going to change things (I know enough about that lately).

So anyway... It was 2:19am (I looked at the phone) and I was marveling at the fact I only had 40minutes to go before I rolled myself out of bed for sahur (the morning meal in Ramadan before fasting starts for the day - for those who don't know) and was yet to sleep. Somewhere between then and 3am I fell into a dream that was so real.

*floats into a dream-like haze*

I'm standing around with two sisters in a laundry at the bottom of a staircase (I don't know the room, and I can only remember being familiar with one of the sisters - whom I have not spoken to in sometime) and I am relating to these sisters a dream I had the night before (a dream within a dream). I told them that I really believe that the message of the dream was that my heart was deaf. Deaf, non-hearing, unhearing of the words of Allah swt. In my dream I felt my chest tighten and the grip of the most severe terror I have ever felt take hold of my heart. I got goosebumps and started to shake. I felt very scared. The sisters just looked at me, said nothing. The next thing I remember is being in a carpeted room with a fireplace, the Adhan has gone off for Fajr on the radio and I have not yet taken anything for Sahur. There are now four girls, but we don't speak. The floors are covered in red persian-style rugs, there are no windows, the ceilings are high and there are two enterances, one a doorway behind me and to my left, the other a staircase going up in the right-hand corner of the room in front of me. We begin to pray, all seperately spead out over the room like there is some animosity between us. The air is tense and there is no feeling to the prayer. Then I am in a room, sitting on a creamy-coloured leather couch with big floor to ceiling windows looking out over a balcony and down to the sea. The sun is shining and the water sparkling but still there is a dark feeling. Again I don't recognise the room, and XH is there. He doesn't say anything and neither do I, but there is communication "between the hearts" (like I can hear him speaking but he is not moving his lips nor making sound). It is not a tense "conversation", there is no feeling of animosity nor any feeling of attachment, its peaceful, but the words that I can't quite make out. It lasts for only a second.

***

Then I wake up. My alarm is going off and I really believe that I have already prayed Fajr, that I have missed the Sahur, and for a minute almost turn my alarm off and return to sleep. Until I realise that I am still shaking, my breathing is uneven and the time is all wrong for the Adhan to have gone off. All I can think is "My Heart is Deaf" and I felt tears prickling my eyes.

***

I don't really want to think that it means what I think it means. Although I have been feeling similar sentiments for awhile now. I feel I pray and it is just movements, no heart, no soul, no real connection with Allah swt. I read Qur'an and the words pass me by, I understand the sentences but take no deeper understanding, make no deeper connection with Allah swt from it. I feel as if I have known Islam, but that the love for it has slipped away - not the desire, but the love.

May Allah swt guide me out of my confusion and darkness, increase my reliance on Him and my love for the Prophet Muhammed saaws, make the Qur'an the light of my heart and make me of those who are of his closest and most pious servants. Amin.

Explanations

2007-09-28T17:53:00.000-07:00

Well, there always comes a time to explain yourself.

It’s amazing how the heart can physically hurt although it has not been physically harmed. It feels hollow, yet filled with pain. My heart is being squeezed, it feels so tight, almost like someone is trying to steal a part of it and spirit it away. It’s felt like this for weeks and hasn’t abated. I guess in a way that is exactly what has happened.

~~~~~

Recently (couple of weeks), my husband left. He asked for our third and final divorce, naturally, as is his right, it is done. Over. Finished. And it really hurts. It is amazing just how much. Not because I wasn’t expecting it – I was, kind of. But because I hoped with all my being that I was wrong, that it would “sort out”, that we’d work through it. That love really could overcome everything (he said that once, early on in our marriage).

But he is gone, moved out the same evening. No contact really. We don’t speak, not because there is any “hate” or anything, but because of “segregation”. If I am in need of something, I will text him; he will do what he can. Masha’allah he is not a bad man at all. In fact, he is one of the very best men (besides my sheikh, my father and brother) that I have ever known. I should have told him that more often. Subhan’allah, it is true that you never fully realize what you have until it walks out the door.

I miss him immensely. And I still love him – I probably always will. But there is nothing that can be done. For so long all I wanted was for him to come home… To walk through the door, cuddle me and tell me it was all a misunderstanding, it was a mistake, it can be fixed. But it can’t. Nothing can be done.

Even now, it is so hard to write this. I know that Allah swt has the best plan for me, and that this is all part of it. I know that He swt does not test a person with more than they can bear. I know that after the hardship will come relief. I know it all… In my head. My heart, well it has a mind of its own. I am trying to heal it but it is resisting me.

At the moment, I can’t see the forest for the trees. I need desperately to see the forest.

***

Al-hamdoulillah – for what else is there to say?

Al-hamdoulillah ya Rabb.

Ya Allah, strengthen me in my reliance on You. Guide me and protect me. Amin.

***

For the sake of expediency from here on in, I’ll call him XH.

A New Beginning.

2007-09-25T19:15:00.000-07:00

I've been pondering the creation of this blog for a while now, if for nothing more than a space I can use to help me find my way.

***

New beginnings are generally just a nice way of saying something pretty rough has happened and you have no choice but to move on. So moving on I am. Insha'allah I will detail what needs to be said to aid in understanding, when I figure out just what it is that needs to be said.

***

New beginnings. With each morning, for as long as Allah swt wills, the dawn will break, the sun will rise, the world of the daylight hours will slowly wake and the cogs of life will begin to turn once more. And I too will do my best to work through yet another day, another beginning, another oppertunity, another challenge...

All days lead to one day, and it is that day for which I live in hope and fear. It is that day for which I must prepare, and for that day I must keep striving.

***

~ Ramadan Mubarak to all ~