Umm Maryum

I have marvelled before at the way Allah swt places people in our lives. And at night, in the private of your room, in the comfort and warmth of your bed you think of these such people and sometimes you smile, and sometimes you weep, but always is the realisation of an unrepayable debt. The people who have given you so much and you have so little to offer them in return – there is just not enough in you to balance those scales.

I remember prior to my marriage I would meet up with Umm Maryum (back before I could call her that) at a regular sisters day. We would sit for the lesson, one of us inevitably late, finding a spot together or making room, concentrating. And afterwards would talk, of family, of life, of work. Maybe there was food – always a falafel/chicken sandwich from Al-Manara – or sometimes just hijab shopping. Sometimes we’d catch up during the week, those days I made it to Monday/Thursday nights at the masjid after work. Sometimes we chat on the phone. I don’t know if much was ever really said. A lot of listening was done. And that bond developed. The one you don’t see happening, only realising its creation after the fact. The type of bond that allows you to say very little but still reach an understanding. The friend you can sit in silence with and not feel the need to fill the air with meaningless chatter. And, as always, with time things change. I remember the first week I was married, she would visit me every evening and stay while my while XH worked night shift. Teaching me to cook – salted chicken as I recall was the first dish – which was awesome the time she made it, and destroyed with the addition of an entire container of salt the time I tried to do it alone.

I remember the day she called me to tell me her mother was ill. That it didn’t look good. I was off from uni. It was mid-afternoon, ‘asr had not yet entered. The sun was starting to seep though the kitchen window. I was cooking. I don’t know what. Probably chicken. And the mobile rang. I remember running across the house to answer it. I remember getting back to the kitchen and staring at the chicken without appetite as she told me. I didn’t know what to say. I felt entirely useless. The same girl who had listened me when things were upside down was having her world thrown around and I had nothing to say. I remember getting off the phone. Leaning on the counter. Turning off the stove and sitting on the floor. I remember crying. But I still had nothing to say. No appropriate words of comfort. I was not balancing the scales.

And even still, after all that, these such people are still there for you. When the rest of the world forgets of your existence they call. Make contact somehow. And you remember how much you miss them. Good friends. True friends. And you wish you had something to give in return but as always you are short-handed.

And so this is the outlet for expressing your gratitude for everything they have given you, every minute, every second, every world of comfort, and every word of advice, every breath, every morsel of food, everything. So to this sister I say: may Allah swt grant you the greatest of rewards, I love you with all of my heart and I ask Allah swt to provide you with nothing but good in this life and the hereafter. I ask Him swt to lift your burdens, lighten your load, and guide those that you love to His Way. I ask that He swt grant you true happiness and well-being. Amin.

Options

We all have plans. We arrange our lives to facilitate meeting the objectives of those plans. We strike out on the path, we alter the trajectory as we travel to correct for bad judgement and poor foresight. We think with the benefit of hindsight that we’ll do it differently this time, the path stuck to, the objectives met. Everything, is meticulously planned, every step analysed, every decision poured over, every precaution taken to preserve, to ensure, that the objective is achieved. And we continue and find that we’ve taken it all for granted. The path has been changed. Rapidly sliding off course. Repair mechanisms fail. Something is awry. And then one wakes up. And finds that the objectives are no longer achievable. No amount of correction can alter the path, recreate the trajectory. But with time, if one has good fortune, new objectives are discovered, new paths set out on. And the one thing that is never learnt from hindsight is that no measure of planning, analysis, or preservation will prove effectual in the face of reality. But for those of a lesser fortune, they wake up and find that there is nothing. No new objectives. No paths to create or resurrect. No trajectory to busy oneself with. What then? Oh there are plenty of options. In fact, this soul could choose any direction, any path, any objective. But if they want none? Where is the appeal? How envious this position.

It is said that the upside of losing everything is that you find yourself. But what is there is nothing there? The nature of the human being is that he is the sum of his needs, wants and desires. Needs, well you can’t argue with that, we all need to eat. But wants and desires? What if nothing remains? What if upon losing all those things you think you wanted leads you to the realisation that not only do you have absolutely no idea what it is you want but that in reality you are not sure if you even want anything at all? And worse still, if this situation persists.

It is clear. The upside of being happy is that you work to maintain it. The upside of sadness is that you work to remove it. The upside of anger is that you work to direct it. The upside of tranquillity is that you work to find it. But the upside of nothingness is nothing – so how should one work?

Oh there are always vague notions of wanting to better oneself, serve humanity, work for food... But that should one choose to do when faced with a lack of objectives. Do you choose the most interesting item from a list of things that you know will captivate you for mere seconds before the realization that that is no force driving you to protect the trajectory of this project? Do you stab blindly in the dark or pull something out of a hat? Do you ask around hoping someone else will lend you their objectives? How is it that one makes a decision that affects the living and breathing of the everyday when one has no direction?