I’m a week late – or so it feels, I was going to post last Friday, but my preparation for work got the better of me. Ergo it’s a long one. Grab a tea/coffee, some biscuits and a cushion - although I must warn you, it is somewhat mundane.
~ Storm (in a teacup) ~
It was late on the 28th of Ramadan, the night was strangely quiet and scarily dark – the moon invisible behind the clouds. I was praying my evening prayers and the wind began to gust. Howling through the open windows, rattling the blinds and throwing them into the walls. I was home alone and it was dark (my nod towards energy conservation – primarily to rescue myself from a huge bill, but also an attempt to be (at least a little) “green”) – too dark (did I mention I have a fairly irrational fear of the dark?).
Anyway, I was in ruku and as I straightened there was the most brilliant flash of lightening immediately followed by the most deafening clap and rumble of thunder. As it rolled across the sky, the fear that gripped my heart was amazing – Subhan’allah. I completed my prayer and the storm raged on, the wind howled on and the blinds continued to create a racket. Behind me my bedroom door slowly creaked open. I envisioned the arrival of Malik-e-maut, poised, ready and waiting. I gave salam with my heart in my throat, and turned around to find…Amirah (my cat) sitting innocently in the doorway, looking somewhat bewildered yet totally pleased with herself (I realised later that the smug look was because she had turned the kitchen upside down).
~
The storm fled as quickly as it arrived, the lightening and thunder continued moving away towards the coast but the howling wind remained. I was left with the fear of The Day of Judgment in the front of my mind – conveniently on the evening I was completing Juz ‘Amma...
***
~ Moonsighting ~
The 29th of Ramadan – off to the park for moonsighting. I was so excited. My first year of following the actual sunnah of the Rasul (saaws) (i.e. rather than the politically driven calculations masquerading as the sunnah). I was so excited at the beginning of the month, hoping to sight the moon, but alas we did not see it and Shab’an was 30 days. This was different though, the calculations told us that the probability we would sight was high, but the clouds remained. All day it had alternated, clear skies and sunshine – dark, rainless clouds and gusting winds. I was disappointed, so desperately was I hoping that the whole community would have Eid on the same day (the “calculations masquerading as sunnah” groups had declared alternately for Friday – a minority, there was no possibility of Friday for us – or Saturday, this was entirely possible).
Arriving just before Maghrib at the park I was heartened to see so many Muslim brothers and sisters waiting for the appearance of the moon despite the ominous looking clouds and the biting, blustering southerly. We broke fast, prayed and waited, gazing at the sky – it was cold, more than cold, freezing.
There was nothing to be seen, and on we waited. The cloud was high, only a small patch of the sky was cloud free. The word came through that further up the coast the moon had been sighted… Eid was to be Saturday. But I wanted to see it myself. Five minutes later the shout went up, the crescent could be seen. Scanning the sky I found it, emerging slowly, a faint wedge, from below a bank of cloud. As the sky darkened further, the small sliver became more visible, brightening as the sky darkened all around. Subhan’allah it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed - the feeling was indescribable.
Afterwards I drifted off to a friends place to plan for prayer and gobble some ice cream with ice magic – its been a while, but it was soo good! Just need to call Cottees to find out if the “real” Ice Magic is halal. Insha’allah ya Rabb.
***
~ Eid Mubarak (I think) ~
I woke early on the morning of Eid, washed and dressed (wore my Eid present from my flat mate – a very nice brooch for my hijab). I grabbed a bottle of water and the box of dates, just so I didn’t forget to eat before the prayer. I even remembered my prayer mat! Subhan’allah I was so quick and organised I was 25mins early, ready and waiting outside my friends place to pick her up!
The prayer was packed out as per usual. I sat with my X-SIL and mini-KJ, my little niece (ok on a technicality she’s my ex-niece, but she’s still mine). She looked so cute masha’allah in her little abaya and khimar. As she nibbled her snacks, she offered me exactly the same as what she ate. For each cookie she ate, I had to eat one, for every chip, Sao and nut, I was also "forced" to eat as she continued to pass them off in my direction.
After the prayer I went to my parents (no they are not Muslim, May Allah swt grant them Hidayah), I made lunch for everyone and gave presents. A couple of hours later I left and made my way to uni to pick up some books before completing the circle and arriving back home again.
I was feeling pretty down. Eid was empty. It was the “I-can’t-believe-that-I’m-spending-this-day-alone” syndrome. I know, I wasn't alone, but it felt that way, the "muslimness" was missing.
Al-hamdoulillah I got off my bum and went for a run. 4.2km! I was impressed with myself – I haven’t run for ages. Al-hamdoulillah I needed the endorphine high – it was just a little embarrassing running in “the area” – people don’t see hijabis moving at a speed faster than a crawl very often around here and my trackies and jumper are just a little to tight for comfort.
***
~ Exer-size ~
So yes. I have returned to my old ways – when there is a crisis, I exercise. I am trying to keep it up – my legs were fairly damaged for a bit. Insha’allah I’ll be running again tomorrow – weather-permitting of course ;) I love the feeling, the movement, the coordination and stretching of the limbs, the shortness of breath, the burn in the chest as the cool air is sucked down to feed the pumping muscles. Yes, I need to move - at least I can drop off the accumulating mail for XH with X-SIL while I'm at it... Al-hamdoulillah.
***
~ Independent Thought and Reason ~
That is the fundamental quality that marks humanity from the rest of the creation of Allah swt (ok, excepting the Jinn). Amazing considering the manifest and dangerous stupidity of a large proportion of the human race. Yes its election time again - may I please bury my head in the sand for a month or two?
Anyway, so I have begun my new job… I’m actually quite enjoying it – some of my fears proved unfounded, others, well they are stories for another time. Al-hamdoulillah all the girls are excited to be back at school – no I’m not deluded, its not for the learning its for the socialization – so they are being relatively cooperative this week… Let’s see what happens… I’ve started a health kick too, it is going quite well – aided by the regimentation of the school day – just need to get my bum into gear for cooking dinner (need to get some iron). Actually, now that I consider it honestly, the last few days have been particularly bad - I have glutted myself with chocolate, Weiss bars and other "disapproved" items. *sigh* I guess I can allow it based on the timing... But after next week I'll have to do better.
***
And In Other News...
As you can guess, I didn't go see the X-Inlaws for Eid. I know I said I would (although I did say Insha'allah - so it's all ok). Honestly, I think it would just drag me backwards. I need to move past it, on with it, through it. I don't need to be reminded that I was "a beautiful DIL and that I am missed terribly and that the sky is falling in in my absence" (ok ok so I might be sprucing it up a little). But honestly, what purpose does it serve - I need to move on, they need to move on, and XH has definitely moved on. So, it would only be another pointless and detrimental exercise. Kheir insha'allah. I did not want to fill this blog with talk of XH, so (for my sanity) here it ends.
Moving on...I’m slowly crawling towards the end goal for this year – I’ve alluded to it before, and as yet it is not time for its unveiling. So the waiting-game is in play. Maybe soon, maybe soon.
***
May Allah swt bless all the Muslims. May He swt make it easy for them to uphold the iman, taqwa and ibadah that they achieved throughout the blessed month of Ramadan. May Allah swt guide the families of all reverts to the beauty and sweetness of Islam and set their hearts at ease. May Allah swt help the ummah to build on the unity experienced at Eid and to accept each other for His swt sake. May Allah swt strengthen me in my reliance on Him, increase my love for the Prophet Muhammed saaws, make the Qur’an the spring of my heart and light of my chest. May He swt protect me from the evil He has ordained, heal my wounds and protect my heart, guide me to the straight path and make all that is good for me in this dunya, the deen and the akhirah easy for me.
May Allah grant us all tawfiq.
~ Amin ~
