Indeed Allah swt Sends What We Need

25/11

Al-hamdoulillah I'm back from my holiday - it was really nice. My brother informed me that I have lost my "moon-tan" and am now "lobster" (men are so creative) --> it really really hurts :(

***

Now, no lovely event can be complete without its own drama... So my holiday drama:

I was driving back from [where I was] and I noticed I had half a tank of petrol - I thought "no need to fill up, it took less than half a tank to get here". Pleased with myself I resolved that I would fill up on Tuesday. Anyway, so 2.5 hours into the drive and two disasterous wrong-turns later, I am on the final stretch of freeway (only about an hour and twenty till I reach home), and my fuel light comes on. I immediately went into a mild state of panic - I know (from experience) that there is no petrol station between where I am and the end of the freeway (about 40mins away). So I put my little go-machine in 6th and stopped accelerating as much (hoping to roll along), and then I notice that the little light has gotten about 75% brighter and I really need to do something or else I'm pretty screwed. Pass [freeway exit A], no servo. Pass [freeway exit B], no servo. Get to [freeway exit C] and see a little blue sign for a servo. So I swing off the highway and motor down this winding little road - for about ten minutes - then I arrive at the servo... its CLOSED! I couldn't believe it, I picked up the phone to call Dad to ask him where the nearest one could possibly be (Daddy knows a lot of things Al-hamdoulillah) - only to realise that I can make EMERGENCY CALLS ONLY! I almost cried.

So I decided that if I tried to get back to the freeway and hold on to [the start of civilisation] that I'd probably end up stuck on the side of the road with no one to save me and it would be getting dark - not a good idea. So I decided to continue down the little windy road I was on, hoping that there would be another damn servo, preferably one that was open.

So anyway, I was about a kilometre on from the closed servo and I realise that there probably won't be another servo. I saw a bloke mowing his lawn and decided to pull over to ask him where one might be. He told me that there wasn't one, that the closest was [town D on outskirts of civilisation]- about 20-25km. I almost cried again. I guess he took pity on me, because after I mentioned that the petrol light had been on for the last half hour and was desperate, the next thing he said was "I have about three litres for the mower, you could take that if you like" - AL-HAMDOULILLAH YA RABB! I almost cried (again) lol. Anyway, I offered to pay him for it, he said no - which made me feel really bad, I was wondering what good I had done which had made Allah swt decide to save me from my own stupidity. So I eventually made it to [town D on outskirts of civilisation] where I filled up, and now I'm home. Al-hamdoulillah.

It's amazing, when "the divorce" occurred one of my friends said to me "Allah swt sends us the people we need when we need them" - I have never been so sure of that in my life.

***

Al-hamdoulillah, I filled in my application for accomodation for my journey - kher insha'allah.

***

Ya Allah, grant the man with the mower the greatest of rewards - al-hidayah. Ya Allah have mercy on me, protect me, and guide my family to Islam. Ya Allah make me one of your righteous slaves and purify my heart.
Amin.

Living for Dunya and Painful Reminders

24/11

Subhan’allah. If I am living for the dunya, Allah swt has truly given me a small insight into my situation in the hereafter. I feel as if I am being flayed alive! Everything is burning, hot, sharp, stinging pain… I’m sunburned – again! Subhan’allah, every year I do this to myself, even though I say I won’t. Maybe I forget the pain – its not as bad as last year though, al-hamdoulillah. I’m trying to dunk myself in cream in a hopeless bid to ward off the peelies, I know it won’t work… Haven’t been swimming yet, the water is like ice – and a little dirty after the rain we had yesterday afternoon and last night. A couple of groups of “schoolies” have arrived – we have a group of girls in the house on one side, and a group of boys on the other… Not much sleep tonight methinks.

***

I was sitting on the balcony having dinner this evening when I saw a dark shadow in the waves about 2 metres off the shore. The next thing I knew, there was a dolphin jumping into the air and riding the waves almost all the way to the sand, masha’allah it was so beautiful.

***

Kevin07: its pretty much official. Tomorrow I’ll wake up and we’ll have a new PM. Definitely time for a change (or at least the disappearance of JH) but not to sure about the Ruddster. I just wasn’t feeling their foreign policy announcements pre-election campaign – especially their stance on the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict (conflict is such a mild term). I must say, voting absentee is the way to go – no queues, no waiting, just “here’s your paper, off you go”.

***

Practiced my Arabic today, God knows I need to – its pathetic really, in 4/5 years I haven’t even mastered basic reading. Kheir insha’allah now I have no choice – better get a wriggle on since there’s only three weeks till I’m off.

Oh yeah, I’m going overseas *yay*! Really need to get organised insha’allah.

***

May Allah swt heal my pain, grant my family hidayah and make my trip a productive one for His swt sake.

(Hmm, sleeping early tonight, I think the burn has sapped my energy - I'm shifting from burning sensations to goosebumps and the chills...not good)

A Life I Knew

23/11

Today has marked the end of many things, and as with most endings is bitter-sweet. Al-hamdoulillah.

I sat my last exam today – on the proviso that I have passed both my exams for this semester, I am officially done with uni (for now)…

I have been longing for this moment for so long, to see the back of my studies, to move onto the next phase of my life. But I realize that those things I so desperately wanted to move onto are further away than I can imagine.

***

I’m on holiday (well for the weekend anyway) and there is a canvas on my bedroom wall. There is a fisherman, standing with his back to my eye, casting his line out into a cold, dark sea under the gray heavens. He stands, csting his line, all that appears is a small boat on the horizon and his blurred reflection at his feet in shades of gray. But he stands, staring out at the unknown, waiting, hoping. Dawn or dusk I can’t tell. Is it a beginning or an ending – or neither, just a transitory moment in time, like all others to be lost, to have never existed, except in memory.

***

I am the fisherman. What I was hoping for is now way out on the horizon, unattainable – or so it seems. Too far to swim to, to far to reel in. At my feet I am blurred, there lies the shadow of myself that I want to shed, to rid myself of the darkness, the disease it contains. I cast my line; I want so desperately to move towards my boat out on the horizon. I wait. And wait. Maybe the tide will bring it into shore, maybe my line will tug and I’ll find myself dragging up what I always wanted from the bottom of the sea – or maybe it will be an illusion. My overactive imagination willing me to read something into nothing. With the cold undertow dragging at my ankles, I wander if I really know how to swim. What if it takes me, drags me away, down, under… What if? Will I be able to hold on? To keep my head up? To swim against the current and onto something? Anything? Happiness? Does it exist? Or is it only a fleeting joy of this world to make the pain it holds more vehement? To remind that this is the test, the trial, and that my boat does not contain all that I thought that it would, but something else. Will I be content?

***

I wish I had answers. I feel a great relief with the end of my studies, but also an emptiness. I have plans, I have things I want to go onto, those that are near and those I cannot see. But there is a gap, a hole – what to fill it with I don’t know. I feel that the busyness is missing – that which was my distraction over the last few months is gone and I’m left to confront myself. You can’t act to yourself, its unfortunate. Maybe that is the pitfall of my profession – everyday, everything is an act. It becomes a reality of sorts. Dangerous.

***

Subhan’allah. The one ayat that has been hammered in my head for the last week (no joke, I love its sound, the rhythm, the way it rolls) has been this:

Bal tu’thiroonal-hayatad-dunya.

Nay, you prefer the life of this world.

Subhan’allah.

Ya Allah swt protect me from myself. I am living for the wrong things, I am asking for the wrong things. My heart knows it and it hurts, breaks with every breath. Have mercy on me, guide me, protect me, forgive me. Cleanse my heart ya Rabb and fill it only with desire for the akhirah, love for the Prophet saaws, and devotion to Your word. Amin.