Well, there always comes a time to explain yourself.
It’s amazing how the heart can physically hurt although it has not been physically harmed. It feels hollow, yet filled with pain. My heart is being squeezed, it feels so tight, almost like someone is trying to steal a part of it and spirit it away. It’s felt like this for weeks and hasn’t abated. I guess in a way that is exactly what has happened.
Recently (couple of weeks), my husband left. He asked for our third and final divorce, naturally, as is his right, it is done. Over. Finished. And it really hurts. It is amazing just how much. Not because I wasn’t expecting it – I was, kind of. But because I hoped with all my being that I was wrong, that it would “sort out”, that we’d work through it. That love really could overcome everything (he said that once, early on in our marriage).
But he is gone, moved out the same evening. No contact really. We don’t speak, not because there is any “hate” or anything, but because of “segregation”. If I am in need of something, I will text him; he will do what he can. Masha’allah he is not a bad man at all. In fact, he is one of the very best men (besides my sheikh, my father and brother) that I have ever known. I should have told him that more often. Subhan’allah, it is true that you never fully realize what you have until it walks out the door.
I miss him immensely. And I still love him – I probably always will. But there is nothing that can be done. For so long all I wanted was for him to come home… To walk through the door, cuddle me and tell me it was all a misunderstanding, it was a mistake, it can be fixed. But it can’t. Nothing can be done.
Even now, it is so hard to write this. I know that Allah swt has the best plan for me, and that this is all part of it. I know that He swt does not test a person with more than they can bear. I know that after the hardship will come relief. I know it all… In my head. My heart, well it has a mind of its own. I am trying to heal it but it is resisting me.
At the moment, I can’t see the forest for the trees. I need desperately to see the forest.
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