Princess Peelies

From this day forth, I shall be known as Princess Peelies *loud accompanying fanfare*.

***

I am so itchy it’s unbelieveable (well it would be if I didn’t do this to myself at least once every year). Subhan’allah. At east the worst of the burning pain has subsided, Al-hamdoulillah.

***

I find myself sighing a lot these days. Two weeks of school left. Two weeks and four days until I’m on my plane. Two weeks and five days until I’m Elsewhere. People keep asking if I’m excited. Truth be told I’m not – not yet. It’s too far away to be excited, but to close not to have on the mind. I think it’ll be real when I walk out the school gates in two weeks – knowing that I still haven’t saved enough… Al-hamdoulillah my reading is coming along ok – I need to do a fair bit more before I go though. Kheir insha’allah.

***

Visited the X-Inlaws today – respect and all. Told them I’m off (insha’allah). It was ok, KJ and her Mum were there the whole time which made it easier – no one could get teary eyed and get all emotional. X-MIL had a brief “chat” with me about how she misses me/wishes things were different etc etc – I don’t know how to say that although I’m not “happy”, I’m “happier” – if only because I’m no longer living on a knife’s edge. She kept telling me how hard XH was taking things (umm, like hello, it was ultimately his decision). Al-hamdoulillah, I’m glad I was raised the way I was – I think I have greater resilience, I cope better. Maybe because I don’t bottle it up and hang onto it for years. X-FIL said nothing (probably because KJ’s Mum was present – thank Allah swt for that). Either way, I really hope Allah swt provides him with happiness – wherever it lies.

I’m glad I’ve got the visiting out of the way, I know it sounds bad, but it just drags me ten steps backwards – not in how I feel for XH, but how I feel about me, my choices, my life.

***

Went to Wollongong this afternoon. I love the bushland. Did some visiting and masha’allah met some beautiful people. Got a tonne of work to do, insha’allah tomorrow.

***

Ya Allah grant me hidayah. Ya Allah grant my family hidayah. Ya Allah increase my imaan and taqwa. Ya Allah forgive me.

Indeed Allah swt Sends What We Need

25/11

Al-hamdoulillah I'm back from my holiday - it was really nice. My brother informed me that I have lost my "moon-tan" and am now "lobster" (men are so creative) --> it really really hurts :(

***

Now, no lovely event can be complete without its own drama... So my holiday drama:

I was driving back from [where I was] and I noticed I had half a tank of petrol - I thought "no need to fill up, it took less than half a tank to get here". Pleased with myself I resolved that I would fill up on Tuesday. Anyway, so 2.5 hours into the drive and two disasterous wrong-turns later, I am on the final stretch of freeway (only about an hour and twenty till I reach home), and my fuel light comes on. I immediately went into a mild state of panic - I know (from experience) that there is no petrol station between where I am and the end of the freeway (about 40mins away). So I put my little go-machine in 6th and stopped accelerating as much (hoping to roll along), and then I notice that the little light has gotten about 75% brighter and I really need to do something or else I'm pretty screwed. Pass [freeway exit A], no servo. Pass [freeway exit B], no servo. Get to [freeway exit C] and see a little blue sign for a servo. So I swing off the highway and motor down this winding little road - for about ten minutes - then I arrive at the servo... its CLOSED! I couldn't believe it, I picked up the phone to call Dad to ask him where the nearest one could possibly be (Daddy knows a lot of things Al-hamdoulillah) - only to realise that I can make EMERGENCY CALLS ONLY! I almost cried.

So I decided that if I tried to get back to the freeway and hold on to [the start of civilisation] that I'd probably end up stuck on the side of the road with no one to save me and it would be getting dark - not a good idea. So I decided to continue down the little windy road I was on, hoping that there would be another damn servo, preferably one that was open.

So anyway, I was about a kilometre on from the closed servo and I realise that there probably won't be another servo. I saw a bloke mowing his lawn and decided to pull over to ask him where one might be. He told me that there wasn't one, that the closest was [town D on outskirts of civilisation]- about 20-25km. I almost cried again. I guess he took pity on me, because after I mentioned that the petrol light had been on for the last half hour and was desperate, the next thing he said was "I have about three litres for the mower, you could take that if you like" - AL-HAMDOULILLAH YA RABB! I almost cried (again) lol. Anyway, I offered to pay him for it, he said no - which made me feel really bad, I was wondering what good I had done which had made Allah swt decide to save me from my own stupidity. So I eventually made it to [town D on outskirts of civilisation] where I filled up, and now I'm home. Al-hamdoulillah.

It's amazing, when "the divorce" occurred one of my friends said to me "Allah swt sends us the people we need when we need them" - I have never been so sure of that in my life.

***

Al-hamdoulillah, I filled in my application for accomodation for my journey - kher insha'allah.

***

Ya Allah, grant the man with the mower the greatest of rewards - al-hidayah. Ya Allah have mercy on me, protect me, and guide my family to Islam. Ya Allah make me one of your righteous slaves and purify my heart.
Amin.

Living for Dunya and Painful Reminders

24/11

Subhan’allah. If I am living for the dunya, Allah swt has truly given me a small insight into my situation in the hereafter. I feel as if I am being flayed alive! Everything is burning, hot, sharp, stinging pain… I’m sunburned – again! Subhan’allah, every year I do this to myself, even though I say I won’t. Maybe I forget the pain – its not as bad as last year though, al-hamdoulillah. I’m trying to dunk myself in cream in a hopeless bid to ward off the peelies, I know it won’t work… Haven’t been swimming yet, the water is like ice – and a little dirty after the rain we had yesterday afternoon and last night. A couple of groups of “schoolies” have arrived – we have a group of girls in the house on one side, and a group of boys on the other… Not much sleep tonight methinks.

***

I was sitting on the balcony having dinner this evening when I saw a dark shadow in the waves about 2 metres off the shore. The next thing I knew, there was a dolphin jumping into the air and riding the waves almost all the way to the sand, masha’allah it was so beautiful.

***

Kevin07: its pretty much official. Tomorrow I’ll wake up and we’ll have a new PM. Definitely time for a change (or at least the disappearance of JH) but not to sure about the Ruddster. I just wasn’t feeling their foreign policy announcements pre-election campaign – especially their stance on the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict (conflict is such a mild term). I must say, voting absentee is the way to go – no queues, no waiting, just “here’s your paper, off you go”.

***

Practiced my Arabic today, God knows I need to – its pathetic really, in 4/5 years I haven’t even mastered basic reading. Kheir insha’allah now I have no choice – better get a wriggle on since there’s only three weeks till I’m off.

Oh yeah, I’m going overseas *yay*! Really need to get organised insha’allah.

***

May Allah swt heal my pain, grant my family hidayah and make my trip a productive one for His swt sake.

(Hmm, sleeping early tonight, I think the burn has sapped my energy - I'm shifting from burning sensations to goosebumps and the chills...not good)

A Life I Knew

23/11

Today has marked the end of many things, and as with most endings is bitter-sweet. Al-hamdoulillah.

I sat my last exam today – on the proviso that I have passed both my exams for this semester, I am officially done with uni (for now)…

I have been longing for this moment for so long, to see the back of my studies, to move onto the next phase of my life. But I realize that those things I so desperately wanted to move onto are further away than I can imagine.

***

I’m on holiday (well for the weekend anyway) and there is a canvas on my bedroom wall. There is a fisherman, standing with his back to my eye, casting his line out into a cold, dark sea under the gray heavens. He stands, csting his line, all that appears is a small boat on the horizon and his blurred reflection at his feet in shades of gray. But he stands, staring out at the unknown, waiting, hoping. Dawn or dusk I can’t tell. Is it a beginning or an ending – or neither, just a transitory moment in time, like all others to be lost, to have never existed, except in memory.

***

I am the fisherman. What I was hoping for is now way out on the horizon, unattainable – or so it seems. Too far to swim to, to far to reel in. At my feet I am blurred, there lies the shadow of myself that I want to shed, to rid myself of the darkness, the disease it contains. I cast my line; I want so desperately to move towards my boat out on the horizon. I wait. And wait. Maybe the tide will bring it into shore, maybe my line will tug and I’ll find myself dragging up what I always wanted from the bottom of the sea – or maybe it will be an illusion. My overactive imagination willing me to read something into nothing. With the cold undertow dragging at my ankles, I wander if I really know how to swim. What if it takes me, drags me away, down, under… What if? Will I be able to hold on? To keep my head up? To swim against the current and onto something? Anything? Happiness? Does it exist? Or is it only a fleeting joy of this world to make the pain it holds more vehement? To remind that this is the test, the trial, and that my boat does not contain all that I thought that it would, but something else. Will I be content?

***

I wish I had answers. I feel a great relief with the end of my studies, but also an emptiness. I have plans, I have things I want to go onto, those that are near and those I cannot see. But there is a gap, a hole – what to fill it with I don’t know. I feel that the busyness is missing – that which was my distraction over the last few months is gone and I’m left to confront myself. You can’t act to yourself, its unfortunate. Maybe that is the pitfall of my profession – everyday, everything is an act. It becomes a reality of sorts. Dangerous.

***

Subhan’allah. The one ayat that has been hammered in my head for the last week (no joke, I love its sound, the rhythm, the way it rolls) has been this:

Bal tu’thiroonal-hayatad-dunya.

Nay, you prefer the life of this world.

Subhan’allah.

Ya Allah swt protect me from myself. I am living for the wrong things, I am asking for the wrong things. My heart knows it and it hurts, breaks with every breath. Have mercy on me, guide me, protect me, forgive me. Cleanse my heart ya Rabb and fill it only with desire for the akhirah, love for the Prophet saaws, and devotion to Your word. Amin.

Obsessions

Ahh Yes. It is that time of the week – I know I’m having issues with consistency. Actually, not that I really think about it, I’m not. I’m totally consistent at being inconsistent! Al-hamduolillah.

~ New Job ~

Ok so by now it is not so new. I’ve laboured through 2 weeks… 2 WEEKS! Subhan’allah the last one felt like a lifetime! As I mentioned in my last post, the girls were beautiful in the first week… What quite happened over the last weekend I’m not sure, but someone certainly kidnapped all my sweet-sweet girls!

I make light of it, but seriously, the last week has had me contemplating quitting – not just the job, the profession. I know that kids are kids are kids, but I don’t want to slave to a day job where I am sworn at and persistently run-down, where I can’t sleep because I’m so stressed about how I’ll “handle” tomorrow. Kheir insha’allah. At the moment, I’ll be back at the coalface tomorrow. But I have a new plan in the make. Actually I have two – one is part of the unmentionable. The other involves me heading back to uni next year, I’m thinking a masters in commerce or management (not that after my recent experiences there is anyone I couldn’t handle – at least in the sane world anyway). Anything to keep me from the profession.

~ Facebook ~

This little instrument of procrastination really is the tool of shaytan! I have so much to do, but keep getting sucked back to some conversation or what-not. Apparently my old HS reunion is on soon. Sounds like fun (not). It’s not that I’m anti-social, just that I wasn’t a very nice person back in the day, and I really don’t want to be reminded of it. That and I’m assuming it’ll be at a pub/club – sooo not interested (severe case of BTDT).

~ Latent Obsessions ~

Hmmm, yeah. So umm, yeah. Lets just say that there are a few. Doesn’t everyone have something? One is related to meat. I have a meat obsession. I wonder how long it will last. I might indulge it tomorrow actually – I need some excitement in my life. The other one is old… So old – we’ll label it IB more for convienience than anything else.

Actually IB has been on my mind for ages now – I’m wondering if I should hunt for it or let it be…. I know naseeb is naseeb, but I don’t want to be fatalist about it. Maybe when I get back from the unmentionable… I miss you IB. Always have. How sad – no really, how sad.

~ Proposal ~

I had a proposal of sorts this week. Apparently I’m so “hot” I can stop traffic. Literally. A students’ brother “spotted” me exiting my place of work and decided that he would just have to “ask” – had his sister come find me at lunch-time. I'm sure he's a lovely brother, but somehow I don’t think I’m ready to crawl back onto the sinking-ship that is marriage – not anytime soon at least… Unless… In with the old (obsessions that is – not XH)!

~ Out-Laws ~

Well, I still haven’t been to visit. I drove past their place today (on the way to the shops), I was intending on stopping, but something told me to drive on. I’m feeling quite bad actually. Kheir insha’allah.

***

Not much really going on – struggling to keep from drowning in all the “work” I have to do. Another exam this week. My last assessment for uni is due to. *sigh*

Such is life. Al-hamdoulillah. Just keeping it together.

***

May Allah swt make this life easy for all the struggling sisters out there, and grant the families of all reverts/converts hidayah. Amin.

To remain ignorant of history is to remain always a child.

I’m a week late – or so it feels, I was going to post last Friday, but my preparation for work got the better of me. Ergo it’s a long one. Grab a tea/coffee, some biscuits and a cushion - although I must warn you, it is somewhat mundane.

~ Storm (in a teacup) ~

It was late on the 28^th of Ramadan, the night was strangely quiet and scarily dark – the moon invisible behind the clouds. I was praying my evening prayers and the wind began to gust. Howling through the open windows, rattling the blinds and throwing them into the walls. I was home alone and it was dark (my nod towards energy conservation – primarily to rescue myself from a huge bill, but also an attempt to be (at least a little) “green”) – too dark (did I mention I have a fairly irrational fear of the dark?).

Anyway, I was in ruku and as I straightened there was the most brilliant flash of lightening immediately followed by the most deafening clap and rumble of thunder. As it rolled across the sky, the fear that gripped my heart was amazing – Subhan’allah. I completed my prayer and the storm raged on, the wind howled on and the blinds continued to create a racket. Behind me my bedroom door slowly creaked open. I envisioned the arrival of Malik-e-maut, poised, ready and waiting. I gave salam with my heart in my throat, and turned around to find…Amirah (my cat) sitting innocently in the doorway, looking somewhat bewildered yet totally pleased with herself (I realised later that the smug look was because she had turned the kitchen upside down).

~

The storm fled as quickly as it arrived, the lightening and thunder continued moving away towards the coast but the howling wind remained. I was left with the fear of The Day of Judgment in the front of my mind – conveniently on the evening I was completing Juz ‘Amma...

***

~ Moonsighting ~

The 29^th of Ramadan – off to the park for moonsighting. I was so excited. My first year of following the actual sunnah of the Rasul (saaws) (i.e. rather than the politically driven calculations masquerading as the sunnah). I was so excited at the beginning of the month, hoping to sight the moon, but alas we did not see it and Shab’an was 30 days. This was different though, the calculations told us that the probability we would sight was high, but the clouds remained. All day it had alternated, clear skies and sunshine – dark, rainless clouds and gusting winds. I was disappointed, so desperately was I hoping that the whole community would have Eid on the same day (the “calculations masquerading as sunnah” groups had declared alternately for Friday – a minority, there was no possibility of Friday for us – or Saturday, this was entirely possible).

Arriving just before Maghrib at the park I was heartened to see so many Muslim brothers and sisters waiting for the appearance of the moon despite the ominous looking clouds and the biting, blustering southerly. We broke fast, prayed and waited, gazing at the sky – it was cold, more than cold, freezing.

There was nothing to be seen, and on we waited. The cloud was high, only a small patch of the sky was cloud free. The word came through that further up the coast the moon had been sighted… Eid was to be Saturday. But I wanted to see it myself. Five minutes later the shout went up, the crescent could be seen. Scanning the sky I found it, emerging slowly, a faint wedge, from below a bank of cloud. As the sky darkened further, the small sliver became more visible, brightening as the sky darkened all around. Subhan’allah it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed - the feeling was indescribable.

Afterwards I drifted off to a friends place to plan for prayer and gobble some ice cream with ice magic – its been a while, but it was soo good! Just need to call Cottees to find out if the “real” Ice Magic is halal. Insha’allah ya Rabb.

***

~ Eid Mubarak (I think) ~

I woke early on the morning of Eid, washed and dressed (wore my Eid present from my flat mate – a very nice brooch for my hijab). I grabbed a bottle of water and the box of dates, just so I didn’t forget to eat before the prayer. I even remembered my prayer mat! Subhan’allah I was so quick and organised I was 25mins early, ready and waiting outside my friends place to pick her up!

The prayer was packed out as per usual. I sat with my X-SIL and mini-KJ, my little niece (ok on a technicality she’s my ex-niece, but she’s still mine). She looked so cute masha’allah in her little abaya and khimar. As she nibbled her snacks, she offered me exactly the same as what she ate. For each cookie she ate, I had to eat one, for every chip, Sao and nut, I was also "forced" to eat as she continued to pass them off in my direction.

After the prayer I went to my parents (no they are not Muslim, May Allah swt grant them Hidayah), I made lunch for everyone and gave presents. A couple of hours later I left and made my way to uni to pick up some books before completing the circle and arriving back home again.

I was feeling pretty down. Eid was empty. It was the “I-can’t-believe-that-I’m-spending-this-day-alone” syndrome. I know, I wasn't alone, but it felt that way, the "muslimness" was missing.

Al-hamdoulillah I got off my bum and went for a run. 4.2km! I was impressed with myself – I haven’t run for ages. Al-hamdoulillah I needed the endorphine high – it was just a little embarrassing running in “the area” – people don’t see hijabis moving at a speed faster than a crawl very often around here and my trackies and jumper are just a little to tight for comfort.

***

~ Exer-size ~

So yes. I have returned to my old ways – when there is a crisis, I exercise. I am trying to keep it up – my legs were fairly damaged for a bit. Insha’allah I’ll be running again tomorrow – weather-permitting of course ;) I love the feeling, the movement, the coordination and stretching of the limbs, the shortness of breath, the burn in the chest as the cool air is sucked down to feed the pumping muscles. Yes, I need to move - at least I can drop off the accumulating mail for XH with X-SIL while I'm at it... Al-hamdoulillah.

***

~ Independent Thought and Reason ~

That is the fundamental quality that marks humanity from the rest of the creation of Allah swt (ok, excepting the Jinn). Amazing considering the manifest and dangerous stupidity of a large proportion of the human race. Yes its election time again - may I please bury my head in the sand for a month or two?

Anyway, so I have begun my new job… I’m actually quite enjoying it – some of my fears proved unfounded, others, well they are stories for another time. Al-hamdoulillah all the girls are excited to be back at school – no I’m not deluded, its not for the learning its for the socialization – so they are being relatively cooperative this week… Let’s see what happens… I’ve started a health kick too, it is going quite well – aided by the regimentation of the school day – just need to get my bum into gear for cooking dinner (need to get some iron). Actually, now that I consider it honestly, the last few days have been particularly bad - I have glutted myself with chocolate, Weiss bars and other "disapproved" items. *sigh* I guess I can allow it based on the timing... But after next week I'll have to do better.

***

And In Other News...

As you can guess, I didn't go see the X-Inlaws for Eid. I know I said I would (although I did say Insha'allah - so it's all ok). Honestly, I think it would just drag me backwards. I need to move past it, on with it, through it. I don't need to be reminded that I was "a beautiful DIL and that I am missed terribly and that the sky is falling in in my absence" (ok ok so I might be sprucing it up a little). But honestly, what purpose does it serve - I need to move on, they need to move on, and XH has definitely moved on. So, it would only be another pointless and detrimental exercise. Kheir insha'allah. I did not want to fill this blog with talk of XH, so (for my sanity) here it ends.

Moving on...I’m slowly crawling towards the end goal for this year – I’ve alluded to it before, and as yet it is not time for its unveiling. So the waiting-game is in play. Maybe soon, maybe soon.

***

May Allah swt bless all the Muslims. May He swt make it easy for them to uphold the iman, taqwa and ibadah that they achieved throughout the blessed month of Ramadan. May Allah swt guide the families of all reverts to the beauty and sweetness of Islam and set their hearts at ease. May Allah swt help the ummah to build on the unity experienced at Eid and to accept each other for His swt sake. May Allah swt strengthen me in my reliance on Him, increase my love for the Prophet Muhammed saaws, make the Qur’an the spring of my heart and light of my chest. May He swt protect me from the evil He has ordained, heal my wounds and protect my heart, guide me to the straight path and make all that is good for me in this dunya, the deen and the akhirah easy for me.

May Allah grant us all tawfiq.

~ Amin ~

Dream Haze

I was intending to post today, a mini-update if you will. Some wonderful things have begun to happen for me, some decisions I have made have shown their results and Insha'allah it will only be of benefit to me.

***

May Allah swt lead me to what is good for me in this dunya (temporary life), my deen (religion) and the akhirah (eternal afterlife).

***

However, after little sleep (I knew the coffee was a bad idea last night) and one of the strangest (and oddly enough most terrifying) dreams I have had in a long time I don't really know what to say. It has stuck with me. You are probably going to think "oh that's nothing", but it felt like one of those dreams you should take note of. Like when something serious happens that you don't quite understand but you know it is going to change things (I know enough about that lately).

So anyway... It was 2:19am (I looked at the phone) and I was marveling at the fact I only had 40minutes to go before I rolled myself out of bed for sahur (the morning meal in Ramadan before fasting starts for the day - for those who don't know) and was yet to sleep. Somewhere between then and 3am I fell into a dream that was so real.

*floats into a dream-like haze*

I'm standing around with two sisters in a laundry at the bottom of a staircase (I don't know the room, and I can only remember being familiar with one of the sisters - whom I have not spoken to in sometime) and I am relating to these sisters a dream I had the night before (a dream within a dream). I told them that I really believe that the message of the dream was that my heart was deaf. Deaf, non-hearing, unhearing of the words of Allah swt. In my dream I felt my chest tighten and the grip of the most severe terror I have ever felt take hold of my heart. I got goosebumps and started to shake. I felt very scared. The sisters just looked at me, said nothing. The next thing I remember is being in a carpeted room with a fireplace, the Adhan has gone off for Fajr on the radio and I have not yet taken anything for Sahur. There are now four girls, but we don't speak. The floors are covered in red persian-style rugs, there are no windows, the ceilings are high and there are two enterances, one a doorway behind me and to my left, the other a staircase going up in the right-hand corner of the room in front of me. We begin to pray, all seperately spead out over the room like there is some animosity between us. The air is tense and there is no feeling to the prayer. Then I am in a room, sitting on a creamy-coloured leather couch with big floor to ceiling windows looking out over a balcony and down to the sea. The sun is shining and the water sparkling but still there is a dark feeling. Again I don't recognise the room, and XH is there. He doesn't say anything and neither do I, but there is communication "between the hearts" (like I can hear him speaking but he is not moving his lips nor making sound). It is not a tense "conversation", there is no feeling of animosity nor any feeling of attachment, its peaceful, but the words that I can't quite make out. It lasts for only a second.

***

Then I wake up. My alarm is going off and I really believe that I have already prayed Fajr, that I have missed the Sahur, and for a minute almost turn my alarm off and return to sleep. Until I realise that I am still shaking, my breathing is uneven and the time is all wrong for the Adhan to have gone off. All I can think is "My Heart is Deaf" and I felt tears prickling my eyes.

***

I don't really want to think that it means what I think it means. Although I have been feeling similar sentiments for awhile now. I feel I pray and it is just movements, no heart, no soul, no real connection with Allah swt. I read Qur'an and the words pass me by, I understand the sentences but take no deeper understanding, make no deeper connection with Allah swt from it. I feel as if I have known Islam, but that the love for it has slipped away - not the desire, but the love.

May Allah swt guide me out of my confusion and darkness, increase my reliance on Him and my love for the Prophet Muhammed saaws, make the Qur'an the light of my heart and make me of those who are of his closest and most pious servants. Amin.

Explanations

Well, there always comes a time to explain yourself.

It’s amazing how the heart can physically hurt although it has not been physically harmed. It feels hollow, yet filled with pain. My heart is being squeezed, it feels so tight, almost like someone is trying to steal a part of it and spirit it away. It’s felt like this for weeks and hasn’t abated. I guess in a way that is exactly what has happened.

~~~~~

Recently (couple of weeks), my husband left. He asked for our third and final divorce, naturally, as is his right, it is done. Over. Finished. And it really hurts. It is amazing just how much. Not because I wasn’t expecting it – I was, kind of. But because I hoped with all my being that I was wrong, that it would “sort out”, that we’d work through it. That love really could overcome everything (he said that once, early on in our marriage).

But he is gone, moved out the same evening. No contact really. We don’t speak, not because there is any “hate” or anything, but because of “segregation”. If I am in need of something, I will text him; he will do what he can. Masha’allah he is not a bad man at all. In fact, he is one of the very best men (besides my sheikh, my father and brother) that I have ever known. I should have told him that more often. Subhan’allah, it is true that you never fully realize what you have until it walks out the door.

I miss him immensely. And I still love him – I probably always will. But there is nothing that can be done. For so long all I wanted was for him to come home… To walk through the door, cuddle me and tell me it was all a misunderstanding, it was a mistake, it can be fixed. But it can’t. Nothing can be done.

Even now, it is so hard to write this. I know that Allah swt has the best plan for me, and that this is all part of it. I know that He swt does not test a person with more than they can bear. I know that after the hardship will come relief. I know it all… In my head. My heart, well it has a mind of its own. I am trying to heal it but it is resisting me.

At the moment, I can’t see the forest for the trees. I need desperately to see the forest.

***

Al-hamdoulillah – for what else is there to say?

Al-hamdoulillah ya Rabb.

Ya Allah, strengthen me in my reliance on You. Guide me and protect me. Amin.

***

For the sake of expediency from here on in, I’ll call him XH.

A New Beginning.

I've been pondering the creation of this blog for a while now, if for nothing more than a space I can use to help me find my way.

***

New beginnings are generally just a nice way of saying something pretty rough has happened and you have no choice but to move on. So moving on I am. Insha'allah I will detail what needs to be said to aid in understanding, when I figure out just what it is that needs to be said.

***

New beginnings. With each morning, for as long as Allah swt wills, the dawn will break, the sun will rise, the world of the daylight hours will slowly wake and the cogs of life will begin to turn once more. And I too will do my best to work through yet another day, another beginning, another oppertunity, another challenge...

All days lead to one day, and it is that day for which I live in hope and fear. It is that day for which I must prepare, and for that day I must keep striving.

***

~ Ramadan Mubarak to all ~